Showing posts with label family other than the kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family other than the kids. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Cattle Drive

We were able to go see the Kansas Sesquicentennial Cattle Drive as it traveled through Ellinwood on Saturday. Fortunately, the heat wave had broken around the first of the month, so the trip was much easier on the cattle, horses and cowboys. Steve had a great time and said he loved every minute of the trip. They were fed very well, eating steaks for supper and having nice big breakfasts.

We viewed the drive at the north end of town, just before the headed out to their pasture/bedding area for the night. We were about 3 blocks from Steve's house, so it was a nice walk to and from the "viewing."
Steve spent most of the trip at the head of the herd. Probably because he learned long ago that the back of the herd is the dirtiest place to be. The big longhorn to the left is their lead steer. The rest just mosey along behind the head guy. He's the only one who's supposed to know where he's going. Steve is on the right, here in the front.



Of course when his sister wanted him to look at her, he looked the other way. Typical, he has NEVER done what I've wanted him to do.




The cattle came through in three smaller bunches. They tend to break up that way naturally. They also were very interested in the nice green grass and the water in the ditches...




Yep, these guys had to stop for a drink. And after a drink...




They had to return a little "old" water in thanks. (My mother told me that I'm probably the only person on earth who would take a picture of cattle pee...)





After they headed out of town, the locals came back to put their horses away. Steve stopped by the house first--to visit.




We chatted some, but he couldn't stay long. There was also a ranch rodeo, and he was running the chutes. Dad and Mom stayed for that, but Kev, Andy and I came on home. We had chores to do. Steve did share some stories about the trip as we watched his horse mow his lawn and break off a sprinkler head.



Some quick facts he shared:


  • They had 200 head of longhorns for most of the trip. A few days before, they picked up another 200 head, so 400 head came through Ellinwood.



  • The cattle walk at 3 mph.



  • They averaged about 15-20 miles a day.



  • They usually started fairly early, but stopped each day around 2-3 in the afternoon. So, yes, it was a nice leisurely pace.



  • Most of the trip was along county roads, but Steve said there would be people stopped at every intersection--just to watch.

I think he'd do it again in a heartbeat.


I've seen cattle "drives" before, as Dad and other ranchers would move cattle from one pasture to another. But this will probably be the only time I see a drive that re-enacts a big part of Kansas history. Let's face it, by the time Kansas celebrates its bicentennial...I'll be 97! While I plan on still being around then...I don't think I'll be out watching a cattle drive!















Wednesday, September 07, 2011

A Kansas Cattle Drive

This post is not about me or my kids...

Check out this link: http://www.kansascattledrive2011.com

This year is the 150th anniversary of Kansas's statehood. And to commemorate it, there's a cattle drive from Caldwell, Ks up to Ellsworth, Ks. And my baby brother, Steve is on the drive. If you check out the photos, he's a part of the Ellinwood bunch.

He's one of the crew that will be on the trail for 3 weeks--the time it will take to travel the entire way. Thankfully, the weather is cooperating. Instead of temps of 100+, this week, they are working in 80 degree temperatures. Much easier on the cowboys and the cattle.

For this cattle drive, Steve had to adapt his wardrobe. He normally wears shirts that snap, but to be historical accurate, the organizers have required all cowboys to wear shirts with buttons. And their bedrolls couldn't be nylon sleeping bags, but had to be cotton or canvas. Other than those two details, I think Steve was all set.

We're hoping to drive over to "watch" them drive through one of the towns on their route.

Be sure to check that link above. They'll have lots of photos and details of the trip.

I'm rather proud of old Steve...he's following in the footsteps of his Great Grandfather, Harvey by going on a long cattle drive. I hope he brings home lots of cool stories.

I'll close with this link, it's to a video that was broadcast on one of the local TV stations:http://www.kwch.com/videobeta/4eebdc80-eedd-4307-a627-6eefa1d9160c/New

Monday, July 11, 2011

Harvey Lewis Woodruff

Below is the obituary of my Great Grandfather, Harvey Lewis Woodruff. I hope you can click on the image and read it. It's a pretty nice obit. Harvey led a pretty exciting life and I sure would enjoy visiting with him. I'd ask lots of questions about the things he did and the choices he made.

Harvey was born in Ohio to Henry Madison Woodruff and Adaline Law Woodruff. He was the oldest child of three. One of the stories Harvey shared with his children that's been passed down to the rest of us is that of seeing President Abraham Lincoln's body as it was returned to Illinois for burial. Since Harvey was only 9, his mother lifted him up so he could view the body. Harvey remembered one of the guards telling his mother to move along, as they had many who wanted to view the body. (My Dad can tell you exactly what the soldier said, because Harvey remembered it and quoted it for his children. I need to get that written down someday.)

Harvey's mother died a couple of years later. Her obituary is rather flowery and very "Victorian" in nature. But her death affected Harvey greatly. In fact, he saved a piece of her shroud, veil and lace that she was buried with. I have them all including the deed to her burial plot. Now, Harvey remembered that his mother died with a baby--I'm assuming a newborn. However, the obit doesn't mention a baby. All it says is that she died of consumption.

After the death of his Mother, Harvey's father migrated to Kansas arriving in 1868 and settling in LaCygne, KS. With the small family was a new mother. According to family legend, Harvey didn't appreciate his new mother, and ran away in 1870; going to Texas to live with his Mother's brother, Homer C. Law. Over the next 20 years, Harvey did a lot of living.

Harvey became a Cowboy, and drove cattle from Texas into Kansas and eventually up to Cheyenne, Wyoming. Supposedly, after one cattle drive to Wyoming, Harvey was traveling back south on a stage. The stage was also providing transportation for a black man, who was relegated to riding in the boot--the luggage area of the stagecoach. They happened to pass a group of Indians who had just killed a buffalo (or beef) and were butchering it near the road. Apparently, the women were cleaning out the intestines with their teeth. After viewing this, the black man said, "You white folks don't like us black folk, but you'll never see us do anything like that." At that point, the stage driver stopped the stage, kicked the black man off and drove off, leaving him behind.

Harvey was a gambler, gambling in Dodge City during it's rough and rowdy days. Apparently while gambling, he boarded with a local Mexican family who had a daughter named Juanita. Harvey liked the name so well that he eventually named his youngest daughter, Juanita. I've been told that Harvey stopped gambling because he felt guilty--taking away the Cowboys hard earned cash.

Being a gambler, he and his little brother, Homer, left for the Colorado mines. They mined for gold and silver both and failed. Well, that's not true...we still have a couple pieces of silver ore that he brought home. Fist sized rocks with little sparkles of silver in them--nothing to brag about, except they are pretty rocks! Harvey came back to Kansas, leaving Homer in Colorado.

Actually, Harvey didn't come to Kansas...he "homesteaded" a little "soon" in the Oklahoma panhandle before it was open to settlement. He was in Beaver County, Oklahoma in 1891 when he went back to LaCygne to marry. Even getting to the wedding was an event! Harvey had to cross the Cimarron River to catch the train in Englewood for the ride back to Eastern Kansas. Unfortunately, it had rained and the river was flooded. Not letting a little water hold him back, Harvey disrobed and carried his clothes over his head, and swam across the river, arriving in time to catch the train and get home in time for the wedding.
He and Mary, his bride, then came back to Oklahoma, moved back east to Illinois for a short time, and then came back to Meade County, Kansas where he finally stayed and raised his family. Harvey was 35 at the time of his marriage. While life settled down--somewhat, he still had his share of adventures.

For example, there was a fencing dispute between Harvey and some of his neighbors. Harvey would build fence, and the neighbors (who herded their cattle on the open range) would cut the wire. It got so bad, that Mary was afraid the neighbors would shoot and kill Harvey. However, she had gumption (she had to, look at who she married!) Mary stated that if the neighbors killed Harvey, they'd find her out there, building fence, carrying a pistol.

Harvey lived until 1937. He truly saw the development of the west and played a part in much of it...just an ordinary man living life to the fullest. Yes, I would very much like to sit on the porch with him, ask questions, and listen to his stories. He must have been quite a guy.


(In the photo above...back row, left to right, Horace Dale Woodruff (my Grandad), Hurley Henry Harvey, and Harry Eugene. Front row, left to right, Harvey Lewis, Juanita, and Mary Armstrong Woodruff.)

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Thanksgiving fun

Kev's parents joined us over the Thanksgiving holiday. They drove out from Colorado Springs. Contrary to tradition and popular thought, I like my in-laws and actually enjoy seeing them and spending time with them. I just wish we got together more often.

One of the things we did with the folks was to show them around the area. Kev's Mom wanted to have a feel for areas I talk about here, so showing her around was a perfect excuse for Kev and I to run around--something we enjoy anyway!

I managed to grab the camera and had it ready for our first stop--the Ranch. Kev actually wanted to show his folks where he hunts and the ranch is so rugged and pretty that we just had to show it off.

Dad wasn't at the corral when we got there, but he soon arrived, herding some calves back to the pens. These calves came in last week and Dad likes to keep them close for a while just to make sure they all survive the stress of the move.
My 67 year old father, still on horseback. It was a little chilly--below 32 degrees. I was surprised he wasn't wearing his chaps, but I'll bet he had his long johns on! I like watching Dad ride. He "is one" with the horse--zen like. (And cowboys everywhere are laughing at the Zen comment!)
After this point, we wandered off down in the canyons...and my camera said "Battery Exhausted" and refused to cooperate with me the rest of the day. I asked Kev if he would run me to Minneola to get new batteries, and he gave me "the look" which meant NO.
Our next stop was the farm where we spent several hours looking at "Old crap." Kev's Dad loves old crap too! So we had a good time. In fact, I found this treasure back under the eaves of the house...

An Aladdin lamp with intact chimney and a bug screen to boot! It's a Model B Aladdin lamp made between 1935-1939. Dad remembers studying by the light of this this lamp. (They didn't get electricity until the 1950's).

Sadly, it needs a good cleaning, and I need to see if I can find replacement parts for all the brass fittings. The wick was still in the lamp but I can't get it to move and the burners are in bad shape. (look below)

Never fear, I got it apart, and washed the base. It's much cleaner. The chimney is in perfect shape. The bug screen won't keep bugs out, but I can easily get a new one. So, sometime in the near future, I'll be browsing the web looking for new parts to get this lamp back in business.
It was a nice holiday spent with people we love.
Now, my mind turns to other things...my surgery is tomorrow. Don't know if I'll be blogging again soon, but I'll try. I have a stack of 8 books, my mp3 player is loaded with 2 audio books and 20 some hours of music. I have lots of DVD's waiting to watch and then there are all the Christmas movies on Hallmark. I have several stitching projects lined up too. Most of the Christmas shopping is done. Not wrapped, but done! So, I guess I'm ready.
I'll be seeing you all soon!




Monday, November 08, 2010

letters

Do you get letters--in the mail--anymore?

I don't. Or seldom do. And, I'm bad about writing them too. I need to write to my mentor, and my first supervisor, Ruth. She retired over 20 years ago, and I used to see her regularly, but I haven't seen her since her husband's funeral 2 years ago. I've written twice, but should write more. Does it count that I think of writing her at least once a week?

My Grandma Woodruff was a great letter writer. She's send a letter to all of her kids every week. If she'd seen you in person during that week, then you didn't get a letter, otherwise, you could count on a letter from her every week.

As a kid, I looked forward to her letters. When I was going to school at Texas Woman's University, I enjoyed them even more because they were a symbol of my roots and I knew that Grandma loved me enough to make sure I got mail every week.

Grandma typed her letters, and we all got the same letter. She used this typewriter for years and years and gave it to me when I was in High School, and when she upgraded to an electric typewriter. She's use carbon paper (remember carbon paper?) and onion skin paper. Onion skin paper is very thin paper. Since she usually had 7 letters or more in the typewriter, she used the onion skin paper to keep the bulk down in the typewriter. Typo's and all were still there...she'd try to correct them, but we'd just have to interpret what word she'd messed up. Typo's didn't matter!

Sometimes, she'd add a small short note to us at the bottom of the letter. And she always signed each one by hand. I still have a few letters saved. They are a very special memento.
Grandma's typewriter didn't have the letters printed on the keys. It was a manual typewriter. Pica type. Your fingers had to be very strong to type on this old iron, manual typewriter...
When I quit using it, we stored it in the basement. It's got some rust on it now. I've tried to clean it up as well as I can. And, it now sits as a decoration in my office. I like to think of it as a weapon...if anyone tried to hurt me, all I have to do is heave this 30 lb typewriter at them. It would drop an elephant!
Besides, every time I look at this old antique, I think of my Grandma Woodruff. She was a special lady and I miss her very much.
So...take time to write a letter to someone you love. Me, I think I just might actually get that letter to Ruth written this week. There's nothing better than getting a letter in the mail.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Sunday dinner

Our meal yesterday:

Ham--processed, smoked and baked at home.
Potatoes--from our garden
Corn--from our garden
Bread--homemade
Tomatoes--from our garden

Cherry Pie: homemade. Cherries from a friends tree. Pie crust, courtesy of Pillsbury...
Pumpkin pie: Homemade by Mom...probably NOT from her garden since she didn't grow any pumpkins :)

It's very satisfying to know where your food comes from.

The meal was for Mom and Dad's 48th Anniversary which will be Tomorrow, November 2.

Good times, Good food, Good Company.

It doesn't get better than that.

And, Dad's hearing aids must be working, I didn't hear him say "what's that" all day!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Shopping with teenage girls

On Saturday, I took Miss Kat to a nearby city to shop for some school clothes. I also asked my Mother if she'd join us. Not for her pleasure, but for me to have some moral support. Shopping with Miss Kat is not something I enjoy. (Shopping is something I don't enjoy, but it's worse when you add a teenage girl to the equation.)

I like this, she likes that.

She wants this, I don't want to spend the money on that.

If I say the sky is blue, she says it's green.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it.

That's why I asked Mom to join us. She can be the peace keeper, and she can remind me that "this too will pass". Cause Mom has been known to just laugh at Miss Kat and I and remind me that she and I didn't necessarily shop well together when I was a teenager. While it helps me keep things in perspective, I really don't want to be reminded that I was once a snotty teenager too.

Our shopping trip could have been worse. And I think there were two reasons it wasn't worse,; Mom was with us, and Miss Kat's Colby BFF, Miss Jenna, and her Mom joined us. Miss Kat and Miss Jenna are both just about the same size, except they have different shapes. Miss Kat is pretty lean and long and Miss Jenna is curvier, she has hips and boobs--as much as a size 0 or 1 girl can have hips and boobs... But, the girls could try on clothes together, and squeal together and they would tell each other what looked good and what didn't. They didn't even get mad at each other like they each would have with us Mom's. Having four other people looking at what they bought/tried on, and getting four opinions are always better than one Mom's opinion--even if she's the one with the checkbook.

I had planned on looking some for myself, I need some new shirts, and bras and I thought maybe I could even find a couple of shirts for Kev too. I never made it to the "adult" section of any store. Straight to the Junior section and then to the cashier. (Thank god for Target and Home Depot though, I did get a few things--other than clothes--at those stores!)

We left tired and broke, but I think it was a successful day. After all, at no time that day did I want to personally strangle my daughter...or my mother.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gardens, Green Beans, and the women I love most

It's Green Bean season. Beans are ripe, and need to be picked and either canned or frozen, or even eaten fresh. I love home canned Green Beans. They are so much better than those you can get at the store. Much much better. Well, except the French cut beans...I like those from the store...

We had gardens at various times when I was a kid, and Green Beans were always a staple. I hated picking beans. They are (duh) green, and so are the leaves. They hide among the leaves. You have to bend over when you pick them. Rows are long. Your back hurts. You have to pick every few days....

I hated helping Mom pick beans. But, I liked snapping beans.

Mom, and Grandma B. snapped beans. Meaning, they used fingers and snapped the blossom end and the tip off the bean, then snapped the bean into 3 or 4 pieces. Grandma Woodruff cut her beans. Where we snap, she used an old paring knife to make those same cuts. I think she cut because she raised 7 kids and had a much bigger garden than Grandma Berends did or even my Mom. My Aunt Ruby also had a huge garden, and I remember seeing her 6 or 7 rows of beans and felt sorry for my cousins who had to help pick all those rows of beans. (And, I felt grateful that I didn't have to help!)

I can remember helping Grandma W. snap beans sitting on the front porch. The time I helped, they still lived on the farm, so I was younger than 10. I remember sitting there with her, bowls on our laps, beans between us, just cutting our beans and talking. I felt very grown up, helping my grandma and getting to use a knife! I can still see her sitting there, in her dress and sensible shoes, her beautiful white hair shining in the sunlight, snapping beans. I have the feeling that she was enjoying herself, sitting outside, enjoying the weather, watching the cattle out in the pasture and watching Steve and I play. I don't think I helped very long, I probably lasted a few minutes, but Grandma let me help, and when I was done, she let me run off and play. Just an ordinary day, but for some reason, that memory has stuck with me.

I spent more time helping Grandma B., because I stayed with her more often than I did Grandma W. So bean picking and snapping memories are more common and more of a chore. After all, you do get tired of doing beans long before the season is over. Grandma B. usually put a newspaper down on the kitchen table for the ends and bad beans. Then, when we were done, I took that newspaper outside and shook it off so the chickens could eat the parts we didn't use. Mom did it the same way, except we didn't have chickens, so we just tossed the tips and bad pieces.

None of my "womenfolk" let me help with the pressure canning. I could wash the beans, and help pack the jars, but working with the pressure cooker and hot water was something that the adults did. I was scared of the pressure cooker.

Now, I grow my own beans. I like to snap them in the kitchen, or sometimes in the living room, in front of the TV. We didn't plant enough rows that I get enough each time to can, so I'm freezing my beans this year. But, just doing this activity that I did with my Mom and with my Grandma's gives me a sense of belonging and tradition. It's a tie from my present to my past and to them; the women I love most.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

gravestones

After Grandpa died last year, Mom and Sandy decided to use the stone post that sat in front of their house as their grave marker. It was either use it out here, or give it to one of the cousins. So, the girls decided to use it at the cemetery. Later, after Grandma died, Mom and Sandy went to Ashland to talk to a man over there who carves limestone. He was hired to carve their headstones. Last week, they were installed. This is the result:


Here's a closer view of Grandma's stone showing the detail of the sunflower Gary (the stone mason) carved. The diagonal lines you see are from where the stones were smoothed. Gary drags them behind his tractor on the ground to smooth the stones. It's also what the Kansas pioneers did, except they used a team of horses to drag the stones.






Here's a closeup of Grandpa's stone. Somehow, a windmill is as appropriate for Grandpa as sunflowers are for Grandma. We did tease Mom that the V makes the stone look like "Kirby the Fifth!"

Gary set the stones on a smaller piece of limestone, and set that into a cement base. He then sealed the limestone with a varnish which will protect them from the weather. It also makes the limestone darker than the old stone post.

I like the stones. They are unique and are a local native product. I even think Grandma would be happy with them because they are the biggest headstones in the cemetery! The only thing that Grandma could find to be unhappy about is the fact that her name is smaller print than Grandpas...but we can argue with her that her name has more letters.






Thursday, April 09, 2009

It's Mrs. Allen's fault

Someone just asked why I decided to become a librarian. And I told them that it was Mrs. Allen's fault. It is.

Mrs. Allen was our elementary librarian. She was also a family friend, as she had taught my dad at the Sunnydale school, the country school that Dad and all his siblings attended. In fact, Sunnydale was the last country school in Meade County, and Mrs. Allen was the last teacher. After Sunnydale was closed, Mrs. Allen taught in Englewood, where she taught my Aunt Sandy and many other people in our community. When the school consolidated with Ashland, Mrs. Allen became the grade school librarian, and thus was my librarian.

Mrs Allen was a small woman. She did not stand 5 feet tall. And she was tiny. Tiny bones, tiny features. She looked like a 60-some year old doll to me. She might have been a tiny woman, but she was strong, and stern. You didn't talk back to Mrs. Allen--she was one tough cookie!

I was in second grade, and I already loved to read and help Mrs. Allen. In fact, if you were good, she'd let you help process new books. I remember helping by gluing the pockets in the back of books and putting the check out cards in them. I felt so important doing that work! I liked watching her label books too. At that time, she still utilized that black "stuff" that was painted on the bottom 2 inches of a spine. Then she'd take a white stylus, or pen type of thing, and carefully write the call number on the spine. At times, she'd let me paint the black "stuff" on the spine. You had to be real careful because it could stain, and you had to stop at just the right spot. I can only remember doing that job once, probably because it was messy.

Sure wish I knew what that stuff was called. It wasn't long after that year when everyone switched to typed labels. I don't think you can even buy that black "stuff" anymore.

Anyway, I liked going to the library. And I loved helping Mrs. Allen. One day, I was shelving Easy Readers for her and noticed that all the books were at the front of the bookshelf, leaving all this empty space at the back of the shelf. Well, that didn't make sense to me, so I pushed all the books to the back of the shelf.

Mrs. Allen came by at that time and got very upset with me. She made me stop (I'd pushed back 2 shelves full of books.) I was mortified. I'd done something very wrong, and I was in trouble. And, what's worse, it was Mrs. Allen who was upset with me. She made me re-face the books on the shelf. In other words, she made me put all the books on the shelf as they should be, at the end of the shelf, with all spines lined up neatly at the edge of the shelf. I had to fix the two shelves I had messed up, and I had to do 2 more shelves, just as reinforcement.

But, the nicest thing about it was that while she disciplined me, she also took the time and explained why library books were shelved that way, turning this disciplinary action into a teaching moment.

I think it was her explaining why something was done that way made me curious about why other things were done a certain way. And, from that moment on, I wanted to be a Librarian. And, from that moment on, I've been picky about how books on a shelve should look. It's almost an obsession now, I have to stop and re-face a shelf if I see it's contents aren't lined up perfectly with the end of the shelf.

So, I guess I can blame two things on Mrs. Allen...1. Me becoming a librarian, and my obsessive-compulsive need to have shelves neat and tidy.

This is totally not related to me...but it's a Mrs. Allen story.

Mrs. Allen was the new teacher when Dad was in 4th grade. After school one afternoon, early in the year, as he was leaving, she asked Dad what he had learned that day. "Nothing" was his response. Mrs. Allen looked at him and said, "Well, if you didn't learn anything today, I guess you'd better stay until you do learn something."

And, he had to stay after school.

Dad says he learned his lesson--and whenever Mrs. Allen asked him if he'd learned anything that day, or what he'd learned that day, he had an answer!

Mrs. Allen is gone now, she's been gone for a very long time. But, this tiny woman is remembered. And, that matters.

Monday, March 09, 2009

workin cattle

Kev and I ran out to the Ranch yesterday to get a trailer load of manure. That's one thing that Ranch's have, a lot of manure. This manure has been "country composted" for a while. That means that it was scraped out of the working pens and piled up in the pasture. Since the pens are only cleaned out when the manure is knee high, it's good stuff. This stuff has been aging in the pasture quite a while too. Grass was growing on it, so it won't be to hot for our garden.

When we arrived, Dad was horseback, bringing up a couple of calves to the pens. They were sick, so he was bringing them up to keep them separate from the herd, and by being at the pens, he can keep a better eye on them, doctoring them as needed.

Life just feels right and perfect when I'm in a pasture watching my Dad on horseback. There are some people who are natural on the back of a horse. Dad is one of them. It's almost zen-like, as he becomes one with the horse. I guess that's natural since the man has been riding horses for over sixty years now. I like watching him and his horse work the calves. Moving together, anticipating the calves, nudging them just enough to keep them moving steadily to the pens. Calm, slow and steady movement (you don't want to rush or stress sick calves.) Manm horse, and cattle working together.

He brought these calves in and had 4 others already up here that needed to be run through the chute and doctored. Since Kev and I were there, we helped.

I have to digress here and say that I was the truly prepared cowgirl yesterday...see, I was wearing the latest in "cattle-doctorin' apparel." I was wearing those corral and manure-friendly Crocs. They are the most practical footwear to have when you are around 500 lb. calves and you're walking around in manure. Next time you see a cowgirl, check out to see if she's wearing the latest Crocs. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

With Kev and I being there, Dad was able to get these calves doctored just a little faster. We helped herd them into the chute. I helped push them through and then Kev and I put them back into their pen after Dad shot them up with Penicillin and other drugs. A couple looked really bad, one little Angus heifer was pretty lethargic. Dad's not sure she'll make it, since he's been doctoring and watching her for a week now. Another little Charlois was extremely wheezy, but she was also pretty feisty. Dad thought she'd pull through.

After we finished "workin' cattle," Kev and Dad loaded up the trailer with the manure. While they worked, I visited the mare and her colt. The colt hasn't been cut yet, and he hasn't been halter broke, so he has very bad manners. But he's a pretty horse. His mother has much better manners and she and I had a nice visit. (The mare and colt belong to one of Dad's co-workers. If they were Dad's horses...well, that colt would have much better manners!)

Then, it was time to say bye to Dad and to the ranch and Kev and I drove home with our trailer full of black gold. I always like going to the ranch, but today was like revisiting my youth...I got to watch my Dad work on horseback. I got to run cattle through the chute. I got to nuzzle and pet some horses. It was wonderful!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Grandma's fridge

For some reason today, I've been thinking of Grandma Woodruff's refrigerator and how milk tasted so good when it came from inside her fridge.

Grandma owned one refrigerator. One. They bought it after they got electricity at the farm, in the mid 1950's. They had that fridge when Grandad died in 1986, and Grandma still had it in 1995 when she died. It was still running too.

Like all fridge's built in the 50's, it was boxy, had one door, with the small freezer compartment inside. That freezer held ice cube trays (yes, the metal ones) and not much else. Grandma's fridge was never as full as what mine is. It wasn't as big, but she didn't put everything it in like we do today.

I always enjoyed drinking a glass of milk at Grandma's house. She bought it in 1/2 gallons, and they were in those cardboard boxes. The milk wasn't as cold as most, and it tasted different. I imagine it was because it was in a cardboard box instead of plastic. Maybe it was just me, but milk tasted better at Grandma's.

Isn't it funny...I can see that fridge. I can remember how you pulled the tall handle back and down to open the door--not far, just enough to hear that click which was your cue that the latch had released. I can remember the color of the wire shelves, and the space inside. I can remember exactly where the milk was kept, and how it tasted...

Intertwined with memories of the fridge are memories of Grandma. Of watching her cook, of helping her cook. I remember offering her a drink of milk, knowing she'd turn me down, because she could not drink milk. It was one of our private jokes.

See, when she was a little girl, Grandma and a friend ate a bunch of peach pits. They took the pits, broke them open and ate the seed. Peach pits are poisonous. Deadly. Upon discovery, the girls were separated and each was purged. Grandma said her parents heated milk and made her drink glass after glass after glass until she threw up. She said that she'll never forget the black color of that milk/peach pit mix as it came up. Her parents make her drink and vomit repeatedly until all that came up was white milk.

But, after that, she could not drink milk.

Today, I'd love to go to her house, open that fridge, pour myself a glass of milk, and sit and visit with my Grandma, and offer her a drink of my milk.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Viewings

I've never liked seeing dead people. I avoid "Viewings." I hate funerals that force you to look at the body, either before or after and especially during the service.

When I was 13, my Great Grandfather died. His casket was in the church, open for viewings while we the family was at the dinner before the service. We kids were being kids, running in and out of the church. Some of the boy cousins dared each other to touch Grandad. I was just dared to be in there with him--alone. But, his lips were blue, and he didn't look like I thought he should look. And, it bothered me.

After that, I learned that most of my Woodruff relatives don't do viewings. My Grandad W. told me he simply preferred remembering people as they were when they were alive and healthy and not as they usually were upon dying. Made sense to me! So, I stopped going to viewings. And I got pretty good at avoiding them.

I did not view Grandad W when he died.

I did not view Grandma W when she died.

And, then, Grandpa B died. And, dummy me...well, I somehow was drug along by Mom and Sandy as they planned his service. And, when Mike, the funeral director said, "Now, someone will need to come in tomorrow to make sure everything is ok..." I volunteered to come with Mom because Sandy couldn't be there. I thought we would be checking the programs and such.

But, instead, we were making sure Grandpa's body looked like we wanted him to look.

Oh, that was hard. But, I did it. For my Mom.

And, I survived it.

And, Grandpa looked pretty good. He hadn't been sick long enough to not look like himself.

And then, last Tuesday, when Grandma died,

Mom called me--10 minutes after she'd died, right after Mom got the call. Mom asked me...well, she didn't have to ask, but I agreed to meet her and Dad at the Nursing Home.

But Daddy didn't get there as quickly as Mom and I did.

So, I went into Grandma's room with Mom so she could say "Good-bye." If Daddy had been there, I would have waited outside. Cause I just didn't know how I was going to react.

And, of course, I saw her. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I can't say she looked good but she looked like she was asleep...with her mouth open, like usual. So, she looked like Grandma.

Or like Grandma has looked for the past several months.

And, it didn't really bother me.

So, either I'm growing up and am able to deal with death and bodies, or I've finally realized that death is a part of life and it's simply another natural step.

I mentioned to my Dad that it just didn't bother me like I expected it too. And, wise man that he is, he said: "I've come to realize that the body really is a shell and that the person I knew--who used to live in that body--is long gone. We're just dealing with what's left; and it's not so hard when you realize that."

And, he's right.

It's not something I want to do all the time, but now, I won't avoid viewings. I won't go out of my way to go, but when I have to go, it will be ok.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Grandma

Six months ago, I lost my Grandpa. Today, Grandma joined him.

Grandpa's loss was so unexpected and was totally a shock. We've been expecting and anticipating Grandma's death for a year or more, so all of us are experiencing some relief with our grief.

Where Grandpa was easy to love and was always ready with a hug, Grandma was not. She kept everyone--everyone except him--at arm's length. And that made it hard for all of us who loved her to show her we loved her and it made all of us try so hard to show her that we did love her, because no matter what we did, it never felt like it was enough. I never felt like she accepted our love. Maybe she didn't know how to allow herself to be loved--unconditionally.

Grandma was never healthy. Never. She had standing appointments at the Dr's office. Every Friday, we sat at the Dr's office. I've never been convinced that she was really ill... But I know at times, she truly was ill. She was very ill when she delivered Aunt Dorothy. I know she was ill at various times when Mom and Sandy were growing up. And yet. it was also a means of getting attention. And, as an adult, I wondered if being sick was the only way that the girl she once was could get attention from a very busy single mother.

My Grandma gave me many things. She taught me to embroider. She helped me with my 4-H sewing projects. We took art classes together. We also did ceramics together. She babysat me when Mom worked and I was too young to stay at home alone. I got my love of Chickens from her. I got my enjoyment of "farm wife" stuff from her. I have many fond memories of days and times with my Grandma. They weren't anything special, just everyday life. And, I will treasure my memories.

The woman she was died at least a year ago, and that small part that didn't die then, died with Grandpa. In my mind, Grandpa had finally run out of patience, waiting for her to come on her own and came to get her today. I imagine he told her that it was time to go and to just come on. And she did--as always, she went with him. She wouldn't go for anyone else, and she wouldn't go on alone, so she waited for him and then, she simply left.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Grandma

Grandma is coming home. Except she's not.

See, she's been at another Nursing Home for a few weeks. They've been doing a mental evaluation on her. She's been depressed, and she's been childish and somewhat mean to the nurses. So, rather than keeping her drugged up all the time, they suggested to Mom and Sandy that she go for an evaluation.

I'm not sure what they decided, but they are sending her back today. And, she's going to the hospital because she has pneumonia. Which isn't a good thing for an 85 year old woman who probably only weighs 85 lbs.

I'm glad she'll be back in familiar territory, but I can't help but wonder if this is the end.

And, I'm so conflicted about how I feel about that.

Relief. Guilt because it would be a relief.

Fear. Because the holiday season is going to be hard on my Mom as it is. I don't want to add to it.

Hope. In a way, I hope it is the end, so that we can get this over with...which brings on the guilt again. And, yet, I hope that we'll see Grandma again.

See, the woman who is living in my Grandma's body isn't my Grandma.

My Grandma is already gone. Yet this person is still here, and she brings out these conflicting emotions and feelings.

I'm glad that Grandma is coming back. Except, she's not really coming back, and she'll never really be back...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Grandma's story

For G--I'll be scanning the original and mailing it to you.

The following is a short biography that my Grandma wrote for me a few years ago. In essence, this is a transcript.

Katherine Salene Miller

I was born April 23, 1923 in the farm home of my parents, Israel A and Olive May Miller, five miles north west of Englewood.

I cannot think my life was much different than any farm child of that era. My father died when I was 3 years and 3 or 5 days old, depending on what records you go back to. mother always said he died April 26, 1926, so that is what I remember. I had one brother, Clyde Allen, who was born near Lyons on October 18, 1904. My father and mother are both buried at Lyons, Ks.

I do not remember anything especially different about my childhood. We lived on a farm. We had chickens, pigs and milk cows. My brother did the farming.

After the stock market crash of 1929, everyone was poor, the dust bowl years soon followed, so no one had much above their expenses. We used kerosene lamps and sometime in the 30's we had a gasoline lamp, and since my brother was able to fix things, sometime in the late 30's, he was able to fix us electric lights [grandpa inserts 6 volt battery]. Where he got a motor to fix I do not know.

Nearly all farm homes at that time had cellars. That's where we kept our canned fruit and vegetables, also the cured and canned meats.

A little about Mother working. I think that my Mother did a lot of nursing during World War I. She was called an LPN nurse, and went into many homes when people had the flu, during the war. They had just moved to Clark Co., not too many years before that. She did so some nursing that I can remember but not much.

Clyde, my brother was a good mechanic. He was always working on some machinery, but I really don't know whether he liked to or not. We always had a car of some kind during those years. Just drove only when necessary. We walked to our neighbors, and they walked to our house.

The one think of my childhood years were dust storms. This was in the 1930's. We were dry! Kansas Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas and north of us. The wind would start blowing and stir up the dust. You could not see across the road. You could clean your house, go to bed and the next morning, you had 1 to 3 inches of dust on the windowsills. The pattern on the floors were covered, so you couldn't make it out. The clean place on your pillow was where your head was. When you fixed a meal, you either covered the table with a tea towel or put your plates, cups, and glasses up side down. Everything had to be covered.

As I said during the 30's you did anything honest to make a nickle. Clyde did mechanical work. Also at one time, he worked a short time on WPA, a govt. work program and they planted trees along the highway. Also after some of the govt. programs for farmers were started he had a job helping measure the land.

We at times think we are poor, but farmers in the 30's and early 40's milked cows and had chickens. Your grocery money was from that. When we were married our grocery money was our egg and cream money. When I was little Mother would give me a penny and tell me to buy some candy. You knew which clerk gave you the most of 1 cent.

Clyde was also a pretty good artist. He made his pictures with colors (pastels) and he made several, but I don't know what Rose [his wife] did with them. He also liked to make fancy candy for Christmas, and was a pretty good cook if necessary. After I got old enough, I did the cooking if Mother wasn't able.

We also did a lot of canning, but we didn't have a pressure cooker. We canned in the old fashioned waterbath (3 hours of boiling water). When Graves' moved north of us, Edna had a pressure cooker and Mother did can corn up there.

All I remember about my childhood was it was alright. Since my Mother was a widow, she did do some work for other people. Until I was school age, people she worked for, knew I had to come along. She cleaned houses for people in town that could afford to pay someone. I usually set in the kitchen when she cleaned, or did the washing or ironing. The only ones I can think of now were the Billings and Lees. She also did washing for people at our home and Mother was a great seamstress, so she did a lot of sewing for other people. During the 1930's you either wore what you had or did without. My mother had a cousin, Florence Cole, who worked for people as a housekeeper. She sent Mother boxes of their no longer wore clothing, and that's what her clothes and mine were made from . The year I was a Senior in High School, I had my first new coat. It was a maroon wool coat. Since Mother sewed she taught me to sew when I was young, also to embroider, but since Mother was left handed, she couldn't teach me to crochet. ( I finally bought a book after I married, then I learned to crochet and knit.)

The one thing that bothered me during most of my growing up years was I had hay fever and had trouble breathing. After I married, I found out what I was allergic too. Ragweed, which grew all around our house.

We were lucky as we had a small ice box that they had got sometime, and ice was not too expensive. We mostly kept it for our cream and milk. If you ever made ice tea or a cold drink, you were really entertaining. If anyone wanted a cold drink you went out to the well and got a drink of fresh well water. I guess that's a habit I never out grew because a good drink of water is still best.

If you had unexpected company you caught a chicken, especially in the summer. You would dress the chicken, cut it up and fry it for the meal. We usually had some beef in the winter, we would butcher or get 1/2 beef from a neighbor. The Elmer Walkers were a small family, so usually we traded with them. If anyone in the neighborhood butchered, everyone helped and you usually gave them liver or a mess of meat to take home. When the Ward family lived north of us, they had goats, so once in a while, we would have some goat meat. Mother always cooked it and if you are hungry, you eat it.

Sharing was also done if you had field corn or a large garden, or mulberries and we had black currants. Everyone managed to pick wild plums and we ate a lot for fruit. Mother always managed some way to buy a bushel of peaches and some blue plums. We had a lot of fruit for dessert when I was a child. Mothers favorite dessert was her one egg chocolate cake.

As our house was heated by a wood and coal stove, we lived in the dining room in the winter, as it was the easiest to heat. We slept in cold bedrooms and used flannel sheets and wool comforters on our beds that Mother made We also slept on feather beds at our home. The only thing with feather beds was that the bed was hard to make. On bath nights you heated the kitchen, heated water on the stove, carried in the wash tub and took a bath. We took more pan baths than tub baths. My bath tub is a luxury. In the summer we sometimes used straw mattresses, but I was allergic to straw so that wasn't very good. I was allergic to feathers I later found out too.

And that's where it ends. She never wrote anything else after this.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

On my mind

Grandma is on my mind. Part of it is G's fault, she wants to put together family recipes and such. But, she's on my mind because I stopped by on Friday to see her before the football game.

This was the first time that it was obvious that she didn't know who I was. She didn't even attempt to guess who I was, and even after I told her who I was, there was no real recognition. There have been times when I thought she might not be sure who I was, but she faked it pretty well, and eventually figured it out. But, not this time.I even said I was "Shelly Jo" not just Shelly, cause...well, that's what everybody called me when I was little, so I thought that old name might register. But it didn't.

And, cousins, she looks awful. Frankly, she looks like hell. Her body is breaking down and...well, we might be together again before we all really want to. Which might be an early prediction on my part, but...I've been wrong before.

I figured, when I moved down here, that she'd last 6 months. It's been almost a year, and she's still here. I also figured Grandpa would still be here, but he's not. And, I've been thinking how hard this would be on him, watching her like this. He was her link to reality, but she was the person he was supposed to take care of. I know how upset he was when she didn't recognize him when he was in the hospital in April, and seeing her like this now would really upset him. Maybe that's why he went first, to be spared this. I just don't know.

So, she didn't know me. And, I coped well. Yes, it really bothered me, but it bothers me more that she's just not with it at all. She's not walking at all anymore. She's not eating much either. Her hands are claw like and remind me of those skeletal hands we all see at Halloween. But, she did hold my hand. She actually reached out for my hand. This, a woman, who didn't necessarily like to hug, touch, or kiss anyone. So, I held her hand, talked to her some. I tried to get her to tell me what she liked to cook, and what her favorite things to eat were. I got nowhere. She's good at not telling me anything. And, I don't even think she cared when I left. That's the worst part--the apathy. Yeah, it's the drugs, and I do not like drugs and I definitely do not like how they make her react. She should be able to know us--her family members. She should show some life, some animation and not sit like a zombie. That's what bothers me most. This woman isn't my grandma, difficult as she is, this isn't her. This is a shell. And, it's rapidly emptying.

So, over the next few days/weeks/months, if I vent here, please try to be patient and try to understand.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Signs of love

One of my favorite things to do is to watch couples. I don't stalk couples, but, I enjoy seeing couples and seeing that little...something...that little flash of affection between two people.

For example, last winter, Kev and I were at Orschlens, the local Farm & Home store and we ran into a friend of mine and her husband. Now, this friend and her husband aren't a typical couple. They are both extremely independent people who don't often appear in public together. And, they are a very private couple, they don't like "PDA's" (Public Display of Affection). I'm sure there are many who think their marriage is "in name only" marriages.

But that day, when we were visiting in Orschlens, one of them cracked a joke, and they looked at each other--one of those special looks that was full of love and affection and understanding of each other. Seeing that one glimpse, I knew, without a doubt, that while their marriage isn't typical, they love and like each other. That one glance they shared was almost intimate.

That's what I like seeing. That's why I like to watch people. With some people, it's easy to see if they like and love each other. I like seeing those little unconscious displays of affection--they might be a glance, or a touch. Sometimes it's how they say each other's name. But I like seeing that--in whichever form.

I remember once as a kid, watching my parents. We were driving somewhere. Steve and I were in the back seat, draped over the front seat, visiting and probably arguing about who was taking up more of that space. But, anyway, Dad simply reached over and patted Mom's thigh. She simply reached down and rested her hand on his. Such a simple, common thing, but it struck me that that was one of those little ways of saying "I love you."

One of my colleagues at Colby always talked about his wife, and when he did, his whole face would literally light up. He just glowed when he talked about her. And, the few times I visited with her, she would also light up talking about him. They weren't newly weds, they had been married over 30 years, but his face would still light up...after all those years.

My Grandad W, when he walked into a room, would always look around for my Grandma. If she wasn't in the room, he'd ask, "Where's Mother?" He just needed to know where she was, and once he knew that she was there, or that she was ok, he was fine. I think I saw them kiss each other twice. Once at their 50th Anniversary party and once at their 60th. They weren't big on PDA's, yet, we all knew that she was the center of his world.

When Kev and I were dating, and when I first met his parents, I noticed that my FIL touches my MIL frequently. Maybe just a light touch on her shoulder, or arm, but he touches her often. I think I noticed that because at that time, Kev didn't want me touching him--especially in public. I was a little jealous that his parents could touch, but that we couldn't.

We've had friends and family who's marriages have gone through rough spots. As they have worked through those spots, I've watched how they act towards each other, how they touch or don't touch or how they look at each other. Those who make it...well, you can see the improvement. That's wonderful to see. The opposite is also true, those who were working on their relationship, those looks, and those touches just stopped happening. You could see it--often before the couple did. Those are heartbreaking.

I've even looked for it in dating couples. One of my cousins brought home a couple of different men she was dating. The first seemed to fit in well and visited with everyone, but she just didn't "light up" and they didn't look like a couple. The second guy fit in as well, but she "lit up" around him and smiled and laughed and there was a comfort and special spark that they shared. She married him...and they still show that spark.

Strangers...I even like seeing that spark in people I don't even know. We've all seen them--especially among old people. I like to think that when we get old, we know that time is short and that you have to show your feelings to your loved ones. Maybe it's something as simple as a touch. Maybe it's in a glance, maybe it's even something bold like holding hands...what ever it is, it's love. And I like seeing those signs of love.

So, I'm a watcher...I watch for those signs of love. They make me believe in happy endings.

Monday, August 18, 2008

cleaning up memories

This past weekend was the second weekend in our "Clean-up from hell."

I think it will take one more weekend.

One more weekend, and one more dumpster. Construction sized dumpster. Industrial sized dumpster.

My Mom, my Aunt, and I (with our not 100% willing spouses) have been cleaning up Grandma and Grandpa's place. They lived at that house in town since 1975. They brought to town a 1950 something trailer house which they parked behind the house. They'd had the trailer since 1967 or 1968...somewhere in there.

The trailer, while it was in the country, was used as bedrooms for Grandma, Grandpa and Sandy. It was also bought to give the family indoor plumbing--the first they had ever had. (I have vague memories of going "potty" in the outhouse, so I know they got it after I was born.) Anyway, when they moved to town, the trailer came with them because Grandma was going to use it for her Ceramic Shop. And, she did. It's a 55 x 10 trailer. Pink. The appliances were all pink. The ceramic shop was in the former kitchen/living room area. One bedroom, a teeny-tiny room, was Grandma's sewing room. One room was where the greenware was kept, and the Master bedroom was used for storage.

Our accomplishment this weekend was cleaning out the trailer. It still had 40 years worth of ceramics and paint and brushes and magazines and greenware, and bisque and molds. We've tried to find homes for the greenware and molds, but we couldn't find any takers. We want to be done with the cleaning and the sorting and the throwing away. So, we decided to break the molds and greenware and dispose of it all.

And, actually, it was kinda fun, purposely breaking stuff. There's a wicked sort of satisfaction in being allowed to break something.

We just didn't allow ourselves to think of how much money had been spent on some of those molds. And, with many of those molds, we remembered having those items in our homes. But, we couldn't find the molds a new home, so, out they went.

But, we weeded that trailer down to 4 boxes of stuff. And believe me, that was quiet an accomplishment. It was dirty, nasty work too...well, except for breaking stuff. Well, ok, it was dirty too...it was mud and clay after all.

The trailer, while a good one in it's day, has lived it's life. The roof leaks, in fact, it had leaked on some of the greenware, which was a mass of miss-shapen unidentifiable things...think Swamp Thing. All the windows have leaked, the floor was rotten in 2 rooms. (Wayne almost went through the floor in the bathroom.) It's in awful shape. At one time, we thought it could be pulled out of there, but not any more. If anyone tried to haul it out, it would come apart.

Next step is to find someone to tear it down. (that's Daddy's job.)

While we girls were working on the trailer, with occasional help from the men-folk. The men-folk were finishing up with the garage. Between the two groups, we filled up another dumpster.

Then, we went back into the house. sigh.

Sigh.

The trailer was bad enough, but the house...sigh.

It takes a lot of time to sort through 66 years of memories. And, to top it off, we had to deal with not only Grandma and Grandpa's stuff, but Aunt Flo's stuff too.

Aunt Flo, wasn't really an aunt, but a family friend. Grandma and Grandpa bought her house when she died from her heirs. They left 2 bedroom sets, a dining room set, and most of her kitchen stuff. They left pictures on the walls, books, you name it, they left it.

Which left us with also cleaning up Aunt Flo's stuff.

But, Mom and Sandy have decided to leave the dining set, and some shelves. We're leaving the washer and dryer, the deep freezer, the refrigerator and...heck, I can't remember what all we are leaving.

But, none of us have room. The other grandkids don't have room. There's not enough for a sale. And, to be honest, we don't care about making money.

We just want to be done. We want June and Olen (cousins) to have the house. And, we want to be done. But we aren't.

We've got one more weekend. sigh.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Old Maid

For some reason, I've been thinking about being an "Old Maid" lately. In our family, I was an "Old Maid." Seriously, I was. I was 31 when I got married. In my family, and in the culture of my teeny tiny town, I was an old maid. A well educated Old Maid, but, still, an Old Maid.

My mother was 19 when she got married. Her mother was 19 when she got married. Her mother was 18 or 19 when she got married. I haven't checked farther back recently, no need to. And, to top it off, my Aunt Sandy, Mom's baby sister, was...yep, 19 when she got married.

On Dad's side...his oldest sister was 21 when she got married. The next brides were 18 and 19 (they married my Dad's brothers). Then 18, and 18 and then the last boy before Daddy got married. His bride was all of 16. My Grandma was 19 when she married Grandad. Her mother was also under 20 when she married.

Of all my cousins--who were older than I. All the girls were 18-21 when they got married. ALL of them. (and there's like...20 of them?) I had one cousin, my age, who also chose to get married one week after she turned 16. (and no, she wan't pregnant, they waited 10 years to have kids. She's still happily married to the same man today.)

So, I really was an Old Maid.

It was hard being 18, 19, 20, and not even having any prospects for marriage. Don't get me wrong, I was happy with my life. I wanted to get my education and make a good life for me. I didn't have to have a man to make me happy, but it was somewhat uncomfortable knowing that everyone was asking, and wondering if I'd ever get married. And, to be honest, I was too.

I got tired of the casual question, "So, is there someone special yet Shelly Jo?" And, I got tired of saying "Nope, not yet."

It was hard watching my cousins and friends find mates and start families. Some, I could see were happy. Other's, well, others shouldn't have gotten married, and most of them have divorced.

I fortunately, didn't feel that I had to be married to be "fulfilled." Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be married, I wanted to have someone think that I was special, I just wasn't finding it. My parents never never pushed me into finding someone just to get married. I'm sure, if I had felt that I just had to be married, I would have found someone. Lots of people do. But, I just didn't meet anyone who really interested me. I liked some guys, felt very attracted to a couple, took one home to meet the parents (who really disliked him) and felt lots of frustration trying to figure out this relationship stuff. But, I just didn't find someone who made me think they were worth marrying or even getting serious about, or trying to make "it" work.

Till Kev anyway. And believe me, I worked damn hard to keep him in my life! And, there were times I wondered if he was worth the effort.

But, back then...I remember wondering if I'd ever meet "Mr. Right." And I remember thinking there must be something wrong with me. Surely there must be someone who wanted me.

Hindsight is 20/20. And, looking back, I can see that the boys/men I dated just weren't right for me. And, instinctively, I must have felt that, just as instinctively I felt that Kev was right for me...even if he did take some convincing. (Ok, it wasn't necessarily convincing he needed, just re-assurance that he wouldn't get hurt again, and he needed to let go of his fears.)

So. I was an Old Maid. But, I learned how to take care of myself. I learned -- I really learned what I wanted in a man and what I didn't want. I learned how to be happy with myself, and that no man could make me be happy if I wasn't already happy. I learned that I didn't want a man who wanted me to change. He needed to like me--faults and strengths. I learned that I didn't want to change him. I watched married couples. I saw what made their relationships work, and what killed relationships. I learned that children didn't necessarily make you happier, and that they didn't keep a marriage together. And, I think that all I did and saw and experienced was good for me. And, I'm an OK person too...even if I was an Old Maid.