Funerals

I think I've had my share of death in the past week. First, J's Mother died, age 60. Sudden illness. Then B killed himself. His mom worked with me for 10 years. He was 19. I'm tired of funerals.

No one enjoys funerals, and we all have our own ideas about how funerals should be conducted. The casket is open or closed, there's the parade by the casket, or there's not. There's always music, there's always the little program forms. There's always lots of kleenx. But there are things that happen at funerals that shouldn't and sometimes these are done by the pastor.

I hate it when the pastor can't pronounce the names of family members, or even someone's maiden name. For crying out loud, you've visited with this family at least once, make sure you know how to say the names.

I hate funerals where the minister has to call unbelievers forward. Come on. It's a funeral. Let them come forward later. This time should be about the deceased, about the grieving family and friends. Don't make it a crusade to convert more folks. If they feel the need, let them come to you later. Don't spend the entire service talking about how death is too late to find Jesus.

Don't preach. I hate funerals where I feel like it was a church service and not about the person being remembered. Or, the pastor might mention the deceased person once or twice--as an afterthought, because, after all...this IS a funeral.

If you have a time for friends and family to come forward and talk about the deceased person, make sure someone is coming up to speak. If no one feels like they could get through a speech, then allow them the opportunity to write something down and have the preacher read it. But sitting at a funeral hoping someone will come to the open mike is tacky. Awful. Embarrassing.

My favorite funerals are those personal services, where there is laughter and memories, good and bad shared. I like the celebration of life. Some have been conducted by preachers and priests, some by lay folk. But I like the services where the focus is on the deceased. Where healing can begin. Where folks can mourn and laugh and realize that life goes on and where we realize that our loved ones, who might now be gone, will live in our hearts and memories. That is how all funerals should be. That's how I hope my funeral will be.